Resources For Wives
No woman should experience betrayal. Get the help you deserve.
Is Your Husband's Addiction Taking A Toll?
It is no secret that behind the millions of men struggling with porn addiction is a trail of loving wives who need help too.
His addiction has likely damaged your marriage, your personal health, and maybe even your children's lives.
The fact that you are seeking help speaks volumes about your commitment, virtue and integrity. Well done.
Women who seek help with betrayal trauma are much more likely to experience a healthy marriage (regardless of whether or not your husband seeks help for his addiction).
While DeepClean does not currently treat women, below are a few resources to help you begin your healing journey.
Finding The Right Solution
There is not necessarily a formula to this, but we recommend the following as you seek a solution and peruse the resources:
Start Light – Reading blogs and listening to podcasts is a great way to get informed, and to become acquainted with professionals in this space that might be able to help you.
Community – Make sure that your solution doesn't exclusively involve talking 1-on-1 with a professional. Having a safe community of other women who are experiencing similar things will go a long way in your healing journey.
Pray – Invite God into this process and ask Him to lead you to the right people, communities, and resources.
FAQs
Should I Be My Husband's Accountability Partner?
To be frank, no. We do not support this approach. It is absolutely imperative that your husband keeps you in the loop, but someone else should serve as his primary point of accountability.
We recommend a weekly check-in meeting where he provides updates. These updates should focus on what he is learning and how he is developing, but of course, if any relapses or slips have happened they should be mentioned as well.
Do I Need To Get Help Too Even Though My Husband's Addiction Caused This Mess?
Yes! There is an emerging field called "betrayal trauma" that focuses specifically on helping spouses of addicts/infidels get the support and healing they need. We cannot recommend this enough. The more help you receive, the better the chances are of your marriage reaching new heights. We've placed some recommendations on this page.
Should We Still Make Love While He Is In Recovery?
This answer depends on your comfort level. For some wives, sexual intimacy is triggering and traumatizing and it is better to take a pause. For others, the closeness and intimacy from sexual experiences is very healing. YOU get to decide what you're comfortable with based on your own needs. Regardless of what you decide, it will not hinder/harm his recovery.
Will Our Marriage Ever Be The Same Again?
Your marriage will never be "the same" again and that is GOOD news. When your husband gets free and begins to earn your trust again, you will have a marriage FAR BETTER than anything you've experienced so far. It is absolutely possible.
Is It Normal To Love My Husbands Some Days and Experience Anger Towards Him On Other Days?
Yes! It is totally normal and acceptable to have mixed feelings as go through this journey. Make it your priority to work through the feelings - where are they coming from? Why are they there? The better you understand your side of the experience, the better you'll be able to communicate with him and ultimately build connection through the process.
How Long Will It Take For Things To Be Normal Again?
The reality is rebuilding trust takes time. The specific duration really depends on the situation. For some couples, it happens relatively quickly. For others it can take several years. Generally, it is better to prepare for 3-5 years of healing, restoring, and rebuilding your marriage.
Recommended Podcasts
Each of the podcast hosts below have been interviewed on our own podcast, Unleash The Man Within. We recommend them based on the expertise, experience and effectiveness that we have witnessed in their practice.
The Couples Healing Podcast (Podcast & Coaching Services)
The Couples Healing podcast is a resource to help husbands in their porn addiction recovery, women working through betrayal, and to help both restore the trust and connection again in their marriage. Sam Tielemans is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who helps you find freedom, peace, confidence, connection, and hope.
Sheri Keffer (Coach)
I experienced sexual betrayal, so I get it. I’ve been where you are. As a Doctor of Marriage and Family therapy for over 24 years, I spend my days with women just like you. I even did an in-depth study on how betrayal affects us and found that it often causes posttraumatic stress. I lay it all out in my book “Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal.” If there’s one thing I want you to know – there is hope. Fear, anger, and depression don’t have to rule your life. I want to help you heal. It’s possible to become whole again. The steps in my BraveOne Journey will pave the way for you to go from betrayed to brave.
Recommended Professionals
Getting professional help is a critical part of healing from betrayal trauma. While receiving 1-on-1 guidance from an expert is useful, we recommend programs that couple interaction with the therapist plus a communal experience. The recommendations listed below offer both services individually or together.
Lila Pisor (Coach)
Lila Pisor is the co-founder of Regener8 Mentoring LLC, a recovery mentoring ministry. Lila is a certified trauma-informed facilitator with ACE Overcomers as well as a certified facilitator for Prepare and Enrich Assessments. She also has first-hand experience healing from her husband’s betrayal and sexual addiction. She works with betrayed partners individually and in groups. She offers many years of experience walking alongside hurting partners
Stacey Oliver (Coach)
Stacey Oliver grew up as a missionary kid, spending her middle and high-school years in West Africa. She and Greg met in Bible college in 1989 and married in 1992. Through many years of their marriage, Stacey wrestled with her own struggles with insecurity, fear, and unhealthy relationship dynamics. The constant stress of being the perfect ministry wife and seeking other people’s approval was exhausting. When Greg’s addiction was exposed, Stacey was devastated and deeply traumatized. But at the same time, the experience presented an opportunity for her to see how she had sought to meet her needs through other people and through self-effort, instead of in her relationship with God. Stacey embraced a process of recovery for herself and eventually began to walk with and encourage other women going through the same betrayal experience.
Other Resources
Eddie Capparucci - Going Deeper For Betrayed Partners: Discovering Healing Through Your Inner Child
Healing from being sexually betrayed can feel like an insurmountable challenge, with some people trapped in this negative cycle for years or decades. For many, the struggle is not only about the present pain but is rooted in past traumas and experiences of neglect. These old wounds often resurface, intensifying the impact of the current betrayal and making it feel almost unbearable.
The distress you are feeling may not only be about the current trauma you are facing but instead is a complex, layered reaction to both the betrayal and the unresolved trauma/neglect from your past. Those early experiences of neglect and hurt amplify your emotional response, making the current triggers feel overwhelming and all-consuming. It is like your mind is connecting the dots between what you are going through today and the pain you endured as a child. This creates a vicious cycle of deep emotional suffering that you cannot break free of.
This book offers a way to break the cycle. Inside, you will be introduced to 10 distinct Inner Children, each representing a specific emotional pain point that could be hindering your healing. By identifying which Inner Children align with your experiences, you can start to uncover the deep-rooted barriers that stand in the way of your restoration.
Understanding how your Inner Child is impacting your healing will allow you to be better equipped to navigate complex emotions and finally find a path toward peace. Remember, you are not alone in this—there is a way through the pain, and this book is here to guide you
Looking For More?
We are always looking for ways to improve this page. Please let us know what else we can add to make this more beneficial for women experiencing betrayal trauma.